U.S. Military Funding Science of Mind Reading

Researchers from the University of California, Irvine; Carnegie Mellon University; and the University of Maryland have been working in conjunction with the United States military to try to decipher what a person is thinking and to whom the message if being directed.

The scientists have created a ‘mind reading machine’ that is able to decipher brain wave patterns and make the results comprehensible through video and sound monitoring systems.

“We have nearly perfected the technology”, said Michael D’Zmura, who heads UC Irvine’s cognitive sciences department. “Just this morning I correctly told my secretary that she was having an illicit affair with a retired taxidermist she met at a Laundromat. I also discovered that she enjoys his company and he has a penis larger than her husband’s “.

Scientists studying the technology have determined that most men think about sexual issues most of the time and they are frequently trying to determine what a particular co-worker or associate may look like naked or engaged in certain sexual positions. Women, on the other hand, are constantly concerned about how fat a particular item of clothing makes them appear.

D’Zmura also stated that the data retrieved from the mind reading experiments have only been performed on very small groups of individuals and later overall results may come to very different conclusions.

“Soon we will have a very large machine that will be able to read anyone’s thoughts”, D’Zmura assured us. “This will come in handy for the government”.