Unconfirmed Sources asks Congress for a bailout

WASHINGTON, D.C.–One of the world’s leading online newspapers, Unconfirmed Sources, is on the verge of bankruptcy. Earlier in the week, its stock price plummeted from $80 to .25 cents per share. Given the tight credit market, it has become increasingly difficult for the newspaper to get loans in order to finance payroll.

On Friday, Unconfirmed Sources management arrived in Washington to testify before Congress. Kamal El-Din provided Congressmembers with an economic impact study, showing what would happen if UCS fails.

“If Unconfirmed Sources fails, its writers would no longer get paid. I would no longer be able to pay myself my annual salary of $30 million, along with my corporate benefits of free jet use. If the writers don’t get paid, then they can’t order pizzas, buy beer, and subscribe to internet porn sites. If they can’t do that, then pizza shops and liquor stores lose revenue, and will have to layoff their employees. If our writers can’t subscribe to internet porn sites, then there will be less porn stars and porn stars get less money, which, in turn, would mean less money for them to, say, buy drugs from CIA-connected dealers, which, in turn, would mean politicians get less in kickbacks and bribes. Thus it is in the best political interests of Congress to act now, by giving UCS a $2 trillion bailout,” El-Din told Congressmembers.

“Bankruptcy for Unconfirmed Sources is not an option,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.

Congressional support for a $2 trillion bailout for UCS seems to be gaining momentum on Capitol Hill, as most lawmkers recognize that this problem transcends the online newspaper.

“If UCS goes under, this will create a cascading effect throughout the entire economy,” said Congressman John Boehner.