Unconfirmed Sources News Briefs: April 14, 2005

It’s Da Bomb:

The Bush Administration, in an effort to stop Israel from bombing the crap out of Iran and starting the official fall of civilization, has said that the Islamic government is at least five years away from developing the nuclear capability to bomb the crap out of Israel and start the official fall of civilization. The announcement also has the extra added benefit of leaving the next hopefully Republican President a Weapons of Mass Destruction issue of their own to use as a pretext to bomb the crap out of someone, anyone, and start the official fall of civilization.

Death And Destruction Redux:

Scientists in Indonesia are closely monitoring three volcano’s that have rumbled to life as a result of the December 26, 2005 9.1 earthquake and subsequent tsunami. As many as nine volcano’s have shown signs of activity, raising fears that Nature is going to relieve the need for anybody to bomb the crap out of anyone else and start the fall of civilization as it will do the job itself.

Can’t We Just Talk About This Calmly?:

The Senate Foreign Relations Committee has decide to postpone the confirmation of Bush nominee for Ambassador to the United Nations until next week, thereby presumably allowing them to get as drunk as they possibly can in order to ignore the fact that they’re putting an obnoxious, egotistical, xenophobe in place as the face of American foreign relations. When John R. Bolton heard of the delay he reportedly threatened to have American troops occupy the committee chambers and dissenting Senators interned for the duration of the Bush term.

More Justice Delayed:

Texas Congressman Tom Delay has apologized for saying that his comments regarding and out of control judiciary were “inartful”. Notwithstanding the fact that I’m not sure inartful is a real word, Mr. Delay went on to say, “What would have been really artful would be if I called them turkey raping, pig eyed morons with the collective IQ of a Spaulding basketball.”