Unconfirmed Sources News Briefs: December 10th, 2004

Thirty three Chinese mine workers, twenty eight miners and five rescuers, were killed in a blast in the Shanxi Province this week. So far, in the last two months alone, more than one hundred and fifty miners have been killed in China, making being a Chinese miner nearly as dangerous as being an Iraqi civilian.

The new Intelligence Reform Bill is headed for the United States Senate after being held up by the Republican Congress for several weeks. Apparently, the problem was that Republican Congressmen and women first had to find out what the word ‘Intelligence’ actually meant, then how to apply it to Administration of George W. Bush. Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, ” Intelligence is a funny thing. We in the Administration were worried that if the public focused too much on being intelligent then the White House could have some problems down the road. Fortunately, we’ve discovered that if you talk a lot about a problem like Intelligence for any length of time the vast majority of Americans tend to glaze over after a week or so and go back to watching Queer Eye in order to forget about it, so we’re still cool.”

The flap over the Administrations policy of sending troops into harms way with inadequately armored vehicles was turned on it’s head today as the Administration announced that having troops rummage through landfills to scrounge rusting metal plating to ‘up armor’ their Humvees is actually a part of the military’s Green Army Recycling Program (GARP). Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld has issued a statement in the wake of his question and answer period with troops in Kuwait that says in part, “What I should have said is that any soldier who complains about recycling scrap metal is a polluting, un-American Terrorist lover. So there.”

The Bush Administrations newly created Department of Hypocrisy has given United Nations Secretary General Kofi Anan it’s vote of confidence. In a written statement the Department said, “We wholeheartedly support the Secretary General and will continue to do so right up until the minute that we can force him to step down without it coming back to bite us. Of course this whole mess can be resolved if Mr. Anan would just get in line and endorse George Augustus Bush as Most High Planetary Emperor.”