Unconfirmed Sources News Briefs: December 14th, 2004

Researchers report that workers under extreme deadline pressure run a six times greater risk of suffering a heart attack than slackers who hang out in the lunchroom avoiding the office manager, so if this News Brief gets posted late, then screw you all. I’m taking it easy. Researchers also report that extensive use of laptop computers can degrade a man’s sperm. No punch line is necessary here.

Iraq War Update: This week five suicide car bombers have detonated… wait…now it’s six suicide bombers, no, seven…ok, a bunch of suicide bombers have killed fifteen Iraqi civilians…uh, sixteen…twenty two…thirty one… oh, to hell with this. They hate us…we’re killing them. We hate them, they’re killing us.

President George W. Bush awarded three of the primary players in the Operation Iraqi Liberation (O.I.L.) War. the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Those receiving the medals were J. Paul Bremmer, honored for disbanding the Iraqi Army shortly after the invasion, wisely putting forty thousand trained and armed military personal out on the streets with no way to feed themselves or their families,
ex CIA Director George Tenet, who bravely supported the President’s war policy in spite of reams of evidence to the contrary right up till the moment he was forced to resign,
and General Tommy Franks, who blasted his way straight to Baghdad with as few troops as possible, strategically bypassing stocked ammo dumps as well as economic, cultural and infrastructure facilities while letting the enemy melt away leaving their uniforms behind but keeping their guns.

Coming on the heels of Mr. Bush’s announcement that he would keep Donald Rumsfeld into his second term as Secretary of Defense assures Americans that they may expect the next four years in Iraq to be much like that last two.

French President Jacques Chirac inaugurated the Millau Viaduct, the tallest bridge in the world. The bridge, which Mr. Chirac called a marvel of art and architecture is 1.5 miles long and at it’s highest point is 1,125 feet tall. People who have seen the bridge have been reported as saying, “Mon Dieu, that’s one really tall bridge. Chier!”

(Authors Note: If you do not find this piece to be particularly humorous, forgive me. I underwent a medical procedure done today of the type that nobody ever wants to have done, so piss off and write your own column)