Unconfirmed Sources News Briefs: December 18th, 2004

United States President George W. Bush has signed a Bill that will enact some of the most drastic changes to his Intelligence to occur in the last thirty years. Describing the measure as “lung (sic) overdone, uh, due,” Mr. Bush signed the document during a ceremony in the White House Oval Office, which the President has always referred to as “the round room”. As an indication of how seriously Mr. Bush regards the need to overhaul his intelligence he used a black Crayola crayon as opposed to his customary vivid tangerine. Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “We’re very excited. No one has ever tried to overhaul the Presidents intelligence before and quite frankly, it may be a losing battle, but as the American people can tell it just has to be done.”

In an effort to completely bankrupt America by his target date of June 2006, President George W. Bush has formally canceled Iraq’s 4.1 billion dollar debt to the United States. The announcement was made by Mr. Bush in a ceremony held at Fort Knox where the President had been busily handing out America’s remaining gold bars to all the children of Halliburton executives who have been good little boys and girls during the last year.

Pfizer Pharmaceuticals has revealed that it’s pain relieving cox-2 inhibitor drug Celebrex has been found to dramatically increase the chances of a heart attack, much like it’s one time rival Vioxx. This reporter can personally attest to the increased risk after suffering a myocardial infarction as he watched his Pfizer stock fall through the floor on the news.

Despite President George W. Bush’s unwavering support, Secretary of Dense…uh, Defense Donald Rumsfeld has come under harsh criticism from the few Republican lawmakers who have actually served their country in a time of war, namely Arizona Senator John McCain and Nebraska Senator Chuck Hagel. Both have given Mr. Rumsfeld a vote of no confidence, citing the Secretary’s progressive dementia and general stupidity. Mr. Rumsfeld has responded to his critics with his usual modesty, saying, “George Washington was constantly criticized, John Adams was constantly criticized, Abraham Lincoln was vilified and criticized and America has always survived it and I’m better than all those turkeys.” White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan said, “The President believes Secretary Rumsfeld is doing a great job…then again, the President believes the War in Iraq is going well, the economy’s in great shape, global warming is no problem and Star Wars Missile Defense can actually work.”