Unconfirmed Sources News Briefs: December 20th, 2004

United States Secretary of De(fe)nse Donald Rumsfeld admitted that he’s been using a machine generated signature on his letters of condolence to the families of troops killed in Iraq and Afghanistan. Mr. Rumsfeld, while not apologizing for his lack of caring, compassion or political intelligence, nonetheless promised to actually sign his ‘Sorry your son/daughter/husband/wife is dead’ letters in the future. He did however explain his reason for using the signature machine up to this point saying, ” Do you have any idea how hard and emotionally exhausting it was for me to personally sign all those letters? I was in tears half the time; my fingers were cramping so bad.”

President George W. Bush has been named Time Magazine Person of the Year. The issue, which is currently burning in my fireplace, points to Mr. Bush’s success at “reframing reality to match his design” which is as scary an endorsement as any I’ve heard all year.

Former New York City Police Commissioner Bernard Kerik, in an effort to prove once and for all that he was innocent of all the various charges leveled against him as a result of the Bush Administration’s effort to have him named as Director of Homeland Security from hiring illegal aliens, failing to pay income taxes and stalking his publisher, has named prominent Mafia Attorney Joseph Tacopina. Mr. Tacopina has in the past represented other men who have been falsely accused such as Peter and John Gotti as well as one of the defendants in the notorious Abner Louima police rape case. Former New York City Mayor Rudi Giuliani was overheard to say, ” I think the fact that Bernie has hired a guy who has defended such wrongly accused men as Mafia crime chiefs and brutal sadists in itself proves his innocence. The fact that all those guys were convicted and sent to prison, some for life, in no way means that they were guilty. Don’t get me wrong, they were guilty, but it doesn’t necessarily mean…oh, skip it. Bernie’s gonna fry.”

Michael Jackson’s defense attorneys plan to invite jurors in his child molestation trial to visit the singers Neverland ranch. A spokesman for the defense team said, “We’d like to show all the jurors that Neverland was not built to lure children into weird quasi-sexual encounters, but simply is one mans sick attempt to innocently help children by showing them that they don’t need to be scared at night because they’re never alone. Of course, Mr. Jackson is also extending the invitation to the families of the jurors, especially their children.”