Unconfirmed Sources News Briefs: December 23rd,2004

President George W. Bush’s Chief of Staff Andrew Card said that “many of the questions being raised were well understood by the White House” regarding former New York City Police Commissioner Bernard Kerik’s bid to become Chief of Homeland Security. Mr. Kerik, whose vetting process publicly uncovered allegations that he hired illegal aliens to be part of his household staff, did not pay social security taxes on them, carried on not one but two extramarital affairs, was involved with a construction company that had ties to the mob and received kickbacks from a security company that supplied tasers to the city was forced to withdraw his name for consideration for the post.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “Of course we knew about all that stuff and more. What we didn’t know and what really came as a shock to us in the White House is that all that stuff is illegal. Who would have thought it? People can be so damn picky sometimes.”

Secretary of De(fe)nse Donald Rumsfeld said that he was, “truly saddened by the thought that I or others here are doing anything other than working urgently to see that the lives of the fighting men and women are protected and cared for in every way humanly possible. The problem is it’s just not humanly possible to give our fighting men and women things like bullets, water, body and vehicle armor or intelligent leadership. As I’ve said, you go to war with the Administration you have, not the Administration you wish you had. Given that, I want every soldier to know that they are in our thoughts and prayers…and boy oh boy, do they need prayers.”

The Food and Drug Administration has ordered AstraZeneca to remove ads claiming that it’s Cholesterol lowering drug Crestor was safe. The company has responded with a new campaign, narrated by Patrick Stewart that said:

Sure Crestor may kill you,
but ask yourself, will you
be any less dead if you were shot in the head
or hit by a bus?
So, what’s all the fuss?
Take Crestor and find
we’ll keep our fat bottom line
and what could be better?
So forget the FDA letter
I swear, it’s no joke man,
I’m the company spokesman
And if you believe what I say
then I’ll still get paid
Take Crestor, take Crestor, take Crestor.