Unconfirmed Sources News Briefs: December 27,2004

Iraqi Election officials have rejected an idea put forth by the White House that it “adjust” it’s election results in the event of a low Sunni turnout on election day due to bombings, shootings, beatings or worse, Florida style disenfranchisement. A spokesman for the commission called the suggestion “absolutely loopy” and said that, “contrary to the way that elections are held in America, we in Iraq believe that who wins, wins. That’s the way it is.” Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “While we think it’s just so cute that the Iraqi’s believe in the archaic concept of one person, one vote, we hope that we can educate them to use the current American model instead. We’ve been doing the ‘one Republican, plus sixteen/ one Democrat, minus sixteen’ vote system for two election cycles now and it really seems to be working out for us. Hopefully, we can show our little brown Iraqi brothers the way that Bush’s America does it is the new Democratic way.”

A scientist has warned that a collapsing volcano in the eastern Atlantic Ocean could form a tsunami, much like the one that struck in the Indian Ocean only larger, that would devastate the eastern United States seaboard with a wave that could reach nearly one hundred and fifty feet high. Not all the news is grim however. Luckily, the White House would be washed away and more importantly, my land values in the mountains inland should skyrocket.

Snows and icy weather hit portions of North and South Carolina over the Christmas weekend, causing hundreds of traffic accidents, but as these are Red States who cares, really?

President George W. Bush’s approval ratings are at an all time high reports pollster John Zogby. Nearly ninety seven percent of the country approves of his handling of the economy, Iraq and religious matters. Unfortunately for the President the country is Nauru and they still hate Mr. Bush for his environmental policies that destroy the nation sometime next week.