Unconfirmed Sources news Briefs: December 28th, 2004


International Aid Agencies are accusing the United States of “stinginess” in their response to the devastation caused by the tsunami in the Indian Ocean on December 26th. Secretary of State Colin Powell has disputed that charge saying, “To date we’ve sent over two dozen McDonalds Happy Meals, six bottles of Bactine and five space blankets to Indonesia and if that isn’t compassionate conservatism, I don’t know what is.”

In a related story, Osama bin Laden’s al Qaida Terrorist organization has claimed responsibility for the recent tsunami. President George W. Bush has vowed to avenge “the bunch’s and bunch’s of dead foreign people that got drowned out there in Indianeisia. The fight against terror will never sleep or take the weekend off to go to Disneyworld or Cape Cod…uh, is it lunchtime yet?”

In another related story, Michael Jackson has attempted to claim the blond toddler found alone in the wake of the devastation left by the tsunami. Mr. Jackson was quoted as saying, “Oh my, yes. That’s my child with Lisa Marie, the one I never told anyone about. Send him to me right now.”

In other entertainment news, fifty eight year old Liza Minnelli suffered a health scare when she fell out of bed in her Manhattan apartment . The weirdly wacky star of stage and screen was taken on a stretcher to New York Hospital where it is reported she beat up fifteen nurses and two doctors. This reporter completely sympathizes with Ms. Minnelli, having fallen out of bed many dozens of times in the last couple of decades; and knowing Ms. Minnelli’s reputation, probably for the same reasons. But happily, I’m better now.

The process of streamlining the Iraqi election is continuing apace with at least eighteen more potential voters being removed from the ballot roles by explosions, gunfire, etc. over the weekend. By the January 30th election date the United States hopes to reach it’s goal of having just two hundred eligible voters left alive, making the voting that much easier.

In a breaking story Donald Rumsfeld reportedly referred in a speech given on Christmas Eve to the September 11th attacks on the World Trade Center and Washington DC as well as ‘the plane that got shot down’, a possible reference to the downed aircraft in Pennsylvania that Americans had up till this point believed crashed as a result of an attempted passenger re taking of the aircraft. What is now in dispute is whether Mr. Rumsfeld, in his increasing dementia, finally admitted the truth about that day or is just out there in never never land.