Unconfirmed Sources News Briefs: December 30, 2004

President George W. Bush, stung by criticism that the United States was being “Stingy” with relief efforts has vowed that his country would spearhead relief efforts. The President, speaking from the Oval Office said, “We are not stingy. We are the sweetest, most gentlest, kindest nation on Earth and we will lead the world in helping those less fortunate than us.” In a related story, little Jimmy Hymen in Billings, Montana, stung that he got a lump of coal in his stocking for Christmas for being stingy with his toys said in a letter to Santa Claus, “I promise this year to be the sweetest, most gentlest, kindest kid on Earth and will lead others in helping those less fortunate than me.” Jimmy was shortly afterward sent to his room for breaking his mothers lamp during a temper tantrum. There is no word as of yet what will happen to Mr. Bush for breaking Iraq.

Washington State Republican Governor Dino Rossi, presumably banking on the fact that Democrats are usually fair minded to the point of stupidity has asked the winner of the hotly contested gubernatorial race in that state, Christine Gregoire, to throw out her hard won victory and do the whole thing over again. Ms. Gregoire, in a rare show of Democratic backbone replied to Mr. Rossi’s plea saying, ” Piss off, loser.”

Following the ‘Florida Pattern’ of 2000 of wearing their opponents down till they just give up, Rossi vowed to continue the fight in court, mounting individual challenges to each of 1.4 million Democratic votes cast; estimates are that the court proceedings will take 3,462 years.

Proving that his strategy of using global warming to ease concerns about the worlds oil supplies is a huge success, President Bush has pointed to the unusually warm winter weather in the northeast and the tsunami in the Indian Ocean saying, “We in the government have always believed that God would take of the situation and he has. Look, it’s warm in the Northeast and there’s gonna be about a hundred thousand less oil users in that Indian Ocean area wave place thing. Now all’s we need is a good dose of bird flu in China and a couple of million folks dying of drought in Africa and everything will be Jake.”