Unconfirmed Sources News Briefs: December 6, 2004

President George W. Bush said that he remains committed to a January 30th election date in Iraq. Apparently, the President feels that if the elections were pushed back any farther then there wouldn’t be any Iraqis left to vote. Twenty three more voters were removed from the Iraqi voter rolls on Sunday.

Outgoing Health and Human Services Secretary Tommy Thompson issued a dire assessment of the nations food supply. Mr. Thompson said, “I, for the life of me cannot understand why the Terrorists have not attacked our food supply because it would be so easy to do.” President Bush sought to downplay the comments and this weekend issued his new abstinence based dietary plan. “The best way to avoid being poisoned by Terrorist hot dogs is to avoid eating,” Mr. Bush said, ” This dovetails nicely with our sexual abstinence program…starving people just aren’t interested in noogie.”

Investigators descended on Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch again this week and forced Mr. Jackson to submit to a mouth swab to obtain a DNA sampl…oh, Jesus Christ, who the hell cares?

Rock and Folk music icon Bob Dylan gave his first television interview in twenty years…the fucking sell out.

Arizona Senator John McCain has declined to give Donald Rumsfeld a vote of confidence this weekend. President Bush has asked the Secretary of Defense to continue on in his post during the second term, citing the fact that “Over one hundred thousand Iraqi’s have achieved the ultimate freedom in the last year and a half due to Don’s policies, which will sure streamline the election process come January.”

In sports, various teams in tight fitting pants played with their balls over the weekend and, as with everything, there were some winners and some losers, but a good time was had by all.

This week marked the twentieth anniversary of the chemical plant accident in Bhopal, India which killed nearly four thousand people and injured thousands more. Dow Chemical, the manufacturer that caused the tragedy has still refused to admit any responsibility in the toxic cloud release, saying instead, “Over population on the Indian sub continent was and remains a serious problem and we at Dow are committed to doing all we can to help reduce that problem.”