Unconfirmed Sources News Briefs: December 8th, 2004

British Prime Minister Tony Blair has rejected calls by his countries health charity group Medact demanding an independent commission to calculate the number of civilians killed and injured since the U.S. led invasion of Iraq began. Mr. Blair responded to the call saying, ” As far as we can tell we already have accurate numbers… a total of six people have died as a direct result of the invasion, However, 99,994 Iraqi’s have indeed died in ‘slip and fall’ accidents due to the incredible amount oil spilled on the streets from sabotaged oil wells. Our troops are working as hard as they can to spread kitty litter around to help soak up the oil and make the country safer.”

During a question and answer period with troops in Kuwait, Tennessee National Guard Specialist Thomas Wilson asked Donald Rumsfeld, “Why do we have to dig through landfills for pieces of scrap metal and compromised ballistic glass to ‘up armor’ our vehicles?” then continued, “We do not have the proper armored vehicles to carry us north (to Iraq)” Rumsfeld replied, “Look, you sniveling little prick, if you think I’m going to stand here and listen to this shi…uh, are those cameras on? I mean, it’s essentially a matter of physics…you know, like in this war a collection of variables has a simple physical interpretation, transparent dimensions…we’ll call that (1/2) at 2, you know, a simple acceleration problem…like how fast can we get you guys into the war zone…and then…” at this point several members of what is now being described as ‘The Scrap Metal Army’ expended their remaining rounds of scarce ammunition at Mr. Rumsfeld as he scurried off the stage. The Secretary of State later characterized his public dressing down by troops in Kuwait yesterday “warm and enjoyable”, then went off to be whipped at a local S&M club.

The Bush Administration has begun its Second Term assault on all those who defied it during its first four years. After announcing a Tax Package earlier this week that will target higher income Blue States, the President has turned his attention towards the United Nations and its Secretary General Kofi Anan who opposed his nation building experiment in Iraq. In spite of the lack of evidence that he had any knowledge or in involvement in the Iraqi Oil for Food scandal, the President’s Republican goon squads have begun calling for Mr. Anan’s resignation. Possible replacements for Mr. Anan suggested by the Administration are the President’s daughter Jenna and the rotting, festering corpse of Ronald Reagan.

In Northern Ireland, Irish Republican Army members said that they would never allow the “humiliation” of being photographed handing in their weapons during the IRA disarmament. Said IRA member Shamus McShamus, ” A mans relationship with his Semtex is a highly personal thing and no one has any business filming him turning it in. Ah, God, this is going to be so bloody hard.” Mr. McShamus was then led away in tears clutching his prized timer to his chest.