Unconfirmed Sources News Briefs: Friday, February 04, 2005

Look, She Just Gets the Coffee and Stuff:

Newly sworn in Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has said that a United States attack on Iran is “simply not in the cards.” Ms. Rice, speaking after talks with British Prime Minister Tony Blair was able to prove her assertion by actually showing the assembled reporters a deck of cards she was holding saying, “Look, go ahead and look. There’s a Jack of Hearts, here’s an Ace of Spades…fifty two cards plus two jokers and not one of them says anything about attacking Iran.” The gathered correspondents were unimpressed, saying that there was no way a lowly secretary would know everything her boss was planning.

My Rifle is My Friend. It is My Life:

US Marine Lt. General James Mattis caused some controversy when he told an Armed Forces Communications and Electronics Association panel discussion that, “it’s fun to shoot some people.” Marine Corps Commandant General Mike Hagee, reacting to Lt. General Mattis’s comments said, ” (Mattis) often speaks with a great deal of candor. I’ve advised him not to be so fucking honest when he’s talking to the press, the stupid idiot. Sure, killing guys can be a hoot; I mean, think about what you’d like to have done with that asshole that cut you off on the highway on your way to work this morning. But still, we sort of like to keep that stuff under wraps. It’s a little freaky for the wives and mothers. you know?”

President Bush: Put Younger Workers Into The Stocks:

President George W. Bush brushed off his old campaign chestnut from the 2000 election. During a stop at North Dakota State University to champion his gutting of Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s Social Security System Mr. Bush told the a gathering of the party faithful “It’s Your Money”, referring to his plan to allow younger workers to take a portion of their SS payments, meant to cushion the old age of their parents, and dump it into the Stock Market instead in the hopes of making a pile of cash for their own retirements.

Mr. Bush, speaking to the assembled party faithful said, “Remember, all those smelly old people will be dead soon; at the end of the day does it really matter if they died rich or poor? Of course not…in a hundred years no one will even remember their names. Instead of worrying about some old people who’ll be worm food in a year or two we have to look at what’s important, and what’s important is money. Your money, my money, money in general. You all should be as rich as I am cause the richer you get then the richer I’ll be. So I say when it comes to wealth, ‘Bring It On’ until we can say, ‘Mission Accomplished’!” President Bush apparently feels The Dow, which has dropped 190 points this year and is down over 400 points since he took over the country in the 2000 coup is still a bully place to stash cash.