Unconfirmed Sources News Briefs: January 10th,2005

The Administration of President George W. Bush, clearly at a loss as how best to both subdue the growing insurgency in Iraq and extricate America from it’s responsibilities to that benighted and war torn country has been exploring various options. One that has been gaining favor among White House hawks is the formation of El Salvadoran style death squads to search out and assassinate rebel leaders in Iraq, Syria, Canada and Iran. That plan, which really endeared us to Central American countries during the 1980’s under Ronald Regan and took out approximately 70,000 Salvadorans, was the second time such a ploy was used; the earlier Phoenix Program in Vietnam which led to the killing of over 40,000 Vietnamese civilians was a also big success for our international relations.

In another example of the Fifty-Fifty Nation that America has become Michael Moore’s “Fahrenheit 911” took home the Favorite Movie award and Mel Gibson’s “The Passion of Christ” took home the Best Drama prize at the Peoples Choice Awards in Hollywood. Reports are that Mr. Moore and Mr. Gibson plan to collaborate on a new film, “The Passion of George W. Bush” wherein Saddam Hussein would be whipped and tortured as he carried a section of oil pipeline through the Green Zone to Abu Ghraib prison. The film will be labeled as a docu-comedy and rated PG-13.

The White House is planning on unleashing a massive ad campaign that will portray the Social Security System as being “in crisis” and it’s promises to younger workers as “a fiction”. As it must be remembered, Conservative Republican groups have been trying to dismantle the government sponsored program since Franklin Delano Roosevelt first established it during the Great Depression believing, quite rightly I think, that if you weren’t smart enough or well connected enough to have made a pot of money on your own by the time you’re sixty five then you really oughta just die instead of becoming a drain on the rest of us rich folks.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, ” We’re raising the abolishment flag up the old flagpole to see who’ll salute. If it becomes a big problem then we have a Plan B. We’re gonna sell Iraq to Canada and hire ourselves out to them to provide Death Squad Security Forces and use the proceeds to fund Social Security. That way we’ll make it back on both ends, plus save a ton of cash on rebuilding. God Bless America and George W. Bush.”