Unconfirmed Sources News Briefs: January 11th, 2005

Oil prices are rising again today on word that the families of President George W. Bush and the House of Saud are collaborating to take as much profit as possible before warm Spring weather sets in the Northern Hemisphere. Unusually warm weather in the Northeast has cut into the two oil giants bottom lines; this and worries in Saudi Arabia that the ruling Saud family may soon be forced to take an exceptionally extended tour of the United States rather than be beheaded in a coup so a little extra cash may be a good thing have been affecting gas prices worldwide.

A new case of Mad Cow has been discovered in Canada. The cow, apparently angry about being slaughtered to feed humans has reportedly been urging other cows to get as angry as it is, has been isolated from it’s brethren in order to keep the other cows docile.
It is not known at this time how the cow found out about the plans to hit over the head with a sledge hammer, chop it up into pieces and send it through a grinder to make Happy Meals to feed chubby little American children; this is usually a well kept secret in the bovine world. Ranchers normally tell the herd that they’ve won an all expenses paid trip to Aruba, so just get on the truck and let’s all head to the airport.

Iraqi Interim President Iyad Allawi has offered a pessimistic assessment of the safety of voters in the upcoming elections. Speaking form his office in the heavily fortified Green Zone Mr. Allawi said, ” The short answer is, if you try to vote you’re gonna die. The long answer is…longer, but you’re still gonna die if you try to vote, so let’s just pretend you voted and I won since I’m gonna win anyway since George Bush told me I would and Diebold is in charge of voting machines. Don’t ever think that just because you stayed home with your doors and windows boarded up that your vote won’t count. We’ll count it for you.”

In the latest round in the Bush Administration’s anti Social Security publicity campaign Treasury Secretary John Snow said that anyone who collects SS payments will burn in Hell forever and while they’re alive will experience painful colon-rectal problems, sexual dysfunction and their wives will cheat on them with members of races other than their own.

(This News Brief was approved by Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse)