Unconfirmed Sources News Briefs: January 13th, 2005


The United States has declared that it’s mission in Iraq is essentially over. The White House has issued a statement today that says in part, “Now that we have proven the assertions made by France, Germany and the Democratic Party that Saddam Hussein possessed weapons of mass destruction were wrong, now that we’ve liberated the country solely at the request of it’s neighbors Iran and Syria from the clutches of Saddam Hussein and turned it into the garden spot of the Middle East…now that our peaceful little brown Iraqi brothers are all set to partake in the joys of the democratic process, we’re fucking outta here.”

Lt. General Henry Obering, head of the Pentagons Missile Defense Agency said that a “very minor technical glitch” was responsible for the latest failure in the Bush Administrations Star Wars Program. Obering said the latest problem was “simply a timing issue between the flight computer and in this case the thrust vector control unit relating to the missile guidance systems which essentially would’ve sent the interceptor missile on an errant course to someplace other than where it was tasked to head for, in other words an inbound enemy missile and sent it instead to Billings, Montana…again.”
Residents of Billings, cleaning up after a second instance of being shocked and awed in two months by an interceptor missile are reported to be reconsidering their pro-Republican stance.

The White House is continuing it’s assault on the Social Security System; in a statement today outgoing Education Secretary Ron Paige referred to it as “a terrorist organization” and Secretary of Defense Donald said that if people collected benefits “then the terrorists will have won.”

President Bush has expressed “serious concerns” over getting caught paying Conservative Republican Commentator/Mouthpiece Armstrong Williams two hundred forty thousand dollars to push his No Child Left Behind initiative. In an interview Mr. Bush said, “I want my Cabinet to take serious steps to prevent this thing from coming back to bite me anymore than it already has. There needs to be a clear distinction between journalism and advocacy…when we buy it it’s journalism… when they say it because they want a favor it’s advocacy and they’re buying us. One way we pay, one way they pay. Getting the word out is still the important thing.”

(This News Brief was approved by Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse)

The Armstrong case has a weird parallel to President Bush attacking Iraq. While Mr. Armstrong has admitted that taking the payment was wrong he has decided not to give it back while other hand while Mr. Bush refuses to admit taking Iraq was wrong he can’t wait to give it back.