Unconfirmed Sources News Briefs: January 31, 2005

Cooking Up A Foreign Policy: George Bush Prepares Rice for Turkey.

Condoleezza Rice, fresh off the most contentious Secretary of State nomination process since Henry Clay’s in 1825, is planning a whirlwind trip to Europe and the Middle East.
“The President has set forth a really bold agenda for American foreign policy,” said Ms. Rice, “We’re going to spread freedom throughout the world, whether the world wants it or not. Democracy is not a right or a choice, it’s a requirement. This term, to follow up on our sparkling successes in Iraq, Afghanistan and Canada we’re looking at freeing Iran, North Korea and New York.” Iran, North Korea and New York, terrified at the thought of being liberated, have stepped up their pursuit of developing peaceful nuclear technology programs in the hopes of forestalling freedom and all its inherent destruction.

Fat Man Has Worms: Does Time

Jeffrey Lee Parson, the hefty hacker who created the Blaster internet worm apologized to the court and to Microsoft, saying, “I know I’ve made a huge mistake and I hurt a lot of people and I feel terrible. But shit, I’m famous now and Gates will probably pay me big bucks when I get out to stop me from ever doing it again.” Parson will have to pay an as yet undetermined restitution to Microsoft and to people whose computers were affected. The amount will be determined at a hearing in February. The judge in the case has sentenced the portly Parsons to eighteen months in prison, which is really not bad for fucking with the world.

“Did Anyone See Where I Left My Wallet?”

The United States Inspector Generals Office has issued a report accusing former Iraq Pro Consul Paul Bremmer of ‘losing’ approximately 8.8 billion dollars of Iraqi reconstruction money. Citing “severe inefficiencies and poor management” the Inspectors Office alleges that poor accounting practices and in some cases outright fraud. In one instance of putting ‘ghost employees’ on the books, the IGO mentioned that while 3,462,976 employees were listed as being on the Coalitions payroll, only 3 could be verified. Mr. Bremmer, who recently received the Presidential Medal of Freedom for his stellar performance in Iraq is expected be made an honorary soldier and given the Congressional Medal of Honor and a house in the Hamptons for this latest fuck up.

“Did Someone Just Say Something?”

President George W. Bush said he “heard the voice of freedom” speaking as he watched Iraqi citizens go to the polls recently. Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, ” Actually, we’ve been kinda worried about the whole voices thing. First, he (Bush) heard God speaking, then he heard Harry Houdini speaking, now he hears Freedom chatting away. I think it’s time to adjust the meds. again.”