Unconfirmed Sources News Briefs: January 4th, 2005


President George W. Bush has asked the chief justice of the Ohio Supreme Court to throw out the challenge to the November presidential vote in that state saying it resembled “a poorly drafted script for a late night conspiracy movie, with so-so dialogue, very little in the way of good car chases and not enough pretty girls in skimpy clothing.”

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “I gotta say, we’re getting a little ticked off. George Bush really believes he finally won a presidential election and he’s upset that people are still challenging it. If it turned out that he actually didn’t win, he wouldn’t be able to have any Man Dates and he was really looking forward to experimenting with an alternative lifestyle. It was a struggle, but he’s even got Laura on board.”

Meanwhile, House Republicans have restored a rule that would force indicted party leaders to step aside and let someone else without as long a rap sheet have a chance. The ruling could affect House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, who would have been forced to step down from his position if he was indicted by a Texas grand jury for various crimes ranging from vote fraud to using the Federal Aviation Administration to hunt down Democratic lawmakers. Apparently, Mr. DeLay was able to get a fix in with the grand jury and knows he’s going skate, so it’s not going to be a problem.

There has been a last minute change in the race for Governor of Baghdad. Acting Governor Ali al-Haidri was shot dead yesterday in a drive by shooting. There is as yet no word on who will be forced to take his place on the firing line, but several prominent candidates have reportedly left for extended vacations to parts unknown.

Tsunami Update: President Bush has tapped his brother Jeb to head American relief efforts in the Indian Ocean region. The Administration has decided that it was time to give the President’s brother a high profile job in order to groom him for a run at the White House in 2008. The move is also a strategically good one: being governor of Florida, Jeb is used to disasters, especially when it comes to elections.

(This News Brief was approved by Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse)