Unconfirmed Sources News Briefs: January 5th, 2005

Authorities have arrested a 38 year old Parsippany New Jersey man for aiming a laser at aircraft flying into nearby Teterboro Airport. David Banach at first tried to blame his 7 year old daughter, saying he believed she was a member of al Qaida and that he had been keeping her under surveillance for weeks before the incident, but shortly after admitted that he had been the culprit. Homeland Security Forces took both Mr. Banach and his daughter into custody; the daughter is currently being held without benefit of counsel at Guantanamo Bay while the rotund Mr. Banach was released back into the arms of his loving family and presumably some long and involved conversations with his wife who is reportedly just thrilled to death with the attention her family is receiving. Authorities speculate that Mr. Banach will be tried in secret and executed sometime during the summer.

In an effort to demonstrate the Fluidity of Political Ethics as practiced by Conservative Republicans, the House has reversed it’s vote in November 04 that would have allowed Tom DeLay, known by friends and foes in Congress alike as the Hammer, to maintain his leadership position regardless of how many crimes he was indicted for. Apparently, Mr. DeLay is getting too hot even for the Republican Christian Base, a group widely known for it’s capacity for forgiveness (after all, they forgave George W. Bush for getting America mired down in an illegal war that so far has claimed the lives of tens of thousands of innocent men, women and children as well as helping to destroy the very planet that God created in the name of big business and…well, you get the picture). Faced with mounting criticism from constituents from around the country Mr. DeLay’s followers have decided to cut him loose; Reports are that Mr. DeLay has changed his nickname to the Staple Gun and soon may be referred to as the Nail.

In an effort to prove that there is no situation so devastating that you can’t make it a little worse authorities in South Asia are becoming increasingly concerned that children orphaned by the Indian Ocean tsunami will be sold into sexual slavery. One UNICEF worker in Malaysia received a text message on his cell phone advertising “three hundred orphans, aged 3-10 years old from Aceh for adoption.” Outgoing Secretary of State Colin Powell is reportedly incensed about the offers and has asked his son, FCC chairman Michael Powell to expand the Do Not Call Registry to cell phones in Asia. That’ll teach em.

Finally, special thanks to Sandra Bullock for her donation of one million US dollars to the tsunami victims; while the money will do great good for the survivors we are also getting the extra added benefit of seeing Ms. Bullock in some pretty sexy photo’s that Xinhua, the Chinese news service has been posting on the web.

(This News Brief was approved by Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse)