Unconfirmed Sources News Briefs: January 6, 2005

President George W. Bush’s nominee for Attorney General, Alberto Gonzales, will face some tough questioning during his confirmation hearings that begin today on Capitol Hill. Actually, he won’t. What will happen is that a couple of Democrats will bitch and moan about the fact that Gonzales advocated the use of torture of prisoners at Cuba’s Guantanamo Bay and in Afghanistan and Iraq, Gonzales will say that he didn’t and the Republican majority will praise his patriotism and service to his leader President Bush and he’ll be confirmed. Anyway, the big issue that every one but Mr. Bush, Mr. Gonzales and myself seems to have missed is that a few broken bones, beatings and a little mind fucking does not constitute torture…listening to my wife and mother in law argue with each other for four weeks straight and occasionally getting caught up in the friendly fire that such arguments produce…now, that’s torture.

The senior Democrat on the House Judiciary Committee, John Conyers, has protested President Bush’s Ohio win with a report alleging massive voter disenfranchisement and serious election irregularities. Ohio Secretary of State, Kenneth Blackwell, who conveniently as it turns out was also the head of President Bush’s re-election campaign in Ohio responded to the charges saying, “To the best of my knowledge these charges are ludicrous. Of course, to the best of my knowledge, there are no Democrats in Ohio and no votes were cast for John Kerry in this state. The final tally was 3,856,942 votes for George Bush out of a total of 433,000 ballots cast and that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.”

President Bush, whose personal wealth is estimated to be somewhere in the vicinity of twenty six million dollars, (an amount which is a little hard to believe given how that family operates) and who draws a paycheck of four hundred thousand dollars a year from the American people without benefits figured in has generously donated ten thousand dollars of that sum to relief efforts for tsunami victims in South Asia. Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “The hope is that that ten grand is going to do some real good out there for our soggy little brown brothers. Forget Sandra Bullock and her stupid million bucks…that’s just showing off. Why, ten grand can almost get you a…you can buy a…well, ok, it won’t get you all that much, but it’s the thought that counts and whenever George W. Bush actually has a thought we in the White House like to celebrate it.”