Unconfirmed Sources News Briefs: January 7th, 2005

It was revealed today that the White House paid a prominent Black conservative talk show host and columnist two hundred and forty thousand dollars to promote it’s No Child Left Behind program. Armstrong Williams, a former aid to Clarence Thomas, was paid to continually promote the Presidents education initiative on his radio and television broadcasts and in any public restrooms he found himself in. He also interviewed Rod Paige, the Secretary of Education who is famous for calling the NEA teachers union ” a terrorist organization”.

The problem with this is not the blatant illegality of the White House paying for propaganda, but that fact that the money was terribly misspent. What’s the point of giving all that illegal money to some right wing lunatic that would only push the NCLB to other right wing lunatics? It would have been much wiser to give it to, say, me. After all, the only people who read the crap I write are other disaffected Liberal scum suckers like myself who hate George Bush just as much as I do. Now, if I said in my stories that while I still thought George W. Bush was a war criminal with the IQ of a small rubber ball who’s leading my country into a Nazi style dictatorship but man, that No Child Left Behind thing is great then maybe some people who normally would be against it might have actually changed their minds about it. That’s a wise use of slush funds. I swear, do I have to tell these meatballs everything?

In other news, Lt. General James Helmly, commander of the Army Reserve Forces, said in a written memo that the Reserves are in danger of becoming a “broken force” and described the National Guards fifteen main combat units as close to being “tapped out”.
So far Secretary of Dense Donald Rumsfeld, the author of the military’s much loved ‘stop loss order’ as a temporary solution to a long term problem has resisted any real answer to the Reserve quandary, saying that a) it would cost three billion dollars a year to add an additional thirty thousand permanent troops and b) if the government could afford to pay it would still be really hard to find thirty thousand men and women who would be stupid enough to volunteer for a tour of duty in a war zone that could conceivably have no end. When asked why his commanders and soldiers on the line were so unhappy, Secretary Rumsfeld replied, “They hate our freedoms. They hate the freedom to not serve that every American civilian enjoys and they hate the fact that they joined when we weren’t at war and had no idea that someone like George Bush would come around and screw with their lives so utterly.”

In still other news the American Civil Liberties Union recently won the release of a memo and other secret documents under the Freedom of Information Act that hints that President George W. Bush issued an Executive Order condoning the use of torture including the use of sleep depravation, attack dogs and hoods, all of which are against the rules of the Geneva Convention. When asked why the issue was causing so much anger in the ACLU Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “They hate our freedoms. They hate the freedom we have to ignore the Geneva Convention, the freedom we have to torture whoever we want, whenever we want and the freedom to have a majority in both Houses of Congress and a solid, if slightly hypocritical Christian base that will let us get away with it.”