Unconfirmed Sources News Briefs: January 9th, 2005

President George W. Bush, while refusing to consider postponing the Iraqi national elections scheduled for January 30th, did acknowledge that there were four areas of the country that would face some serious problems with terrorism on election day. Speaking from the Oval Office Mr. Bush said, “I give you my word that as sure as I’m sitting here in this round room that the elections will take place and I don’t care how many people have to die for it to happen. Still, I’ll admit that there are four places where things could be dangerous…that would be the north, south, east and western parts of the country. Oh, and the middle too. These four areas could cause us some problems, but hey, I’m safe here in Washington and that’s what’s important.”

White House Counsel Roberto Gonzales answered some tough questions from Senators during his nomination hearing for Attorney General. When asked about the now infamous ‘torture memos’ that he and his staff authored, Mr. Gonzales swore he would never, ever, ever condone the use of torture, ever. Mr. Gonzales appeared before the panel dressed in a crotch less leather baby doll outfit nicely adorned with many zippers and chains, thigh high stiletto heeled boot and carrying a cat o nine tails. He did remove his mask to answer questions; while this did detract a bit from the ensemble the over all the effect was quite stunning.

Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston have announced that they will be getting a divorce after four and a half year of marriage. This is problematic for this author, who would like to reiterate to Ms. Aniston that he is happily married and would appreciate if she would stop calling all the time. Sorry babe, you’re great but let’s face it, it ain’t gonna happen. Brad, please don’t call either…it’s just too weird.

The Earth is apparently still vibrating as an after effect of the quake that unleashed the massive tsunami in the Indian Ocean on December 26th. The magnitude 9.0 tremor has permanently accelerated the Earths rotation, shortening the planets days by a fraction of a second and has caused the planet to wobble on it’s axis. I have no problem with the wobble, in fact it feels kinda neat when I sit on the ground, but I really can’t afford to lose any more time in my day. My editors are already giving me enough shit for being late as it is.

(This News Brief was approved by Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse)