Unconfirmed Sources News Briefs- Monday- October 6- 2008

McCain Concedes Michigan? You Betcha!

Fresh off her stunning non-loss in Thursday night’s debate with Joe Biden, the newly engineered Sarah Palin 2.0 was powered up on Friday only to find that her running mate John McCain had conceded Michigan to Barak Obama and sent his teams and resources to the more hotly contested American Samoa. Apparently, someone had neglected to input this data into Ms. Palin, who immediately and publicly pleaded to be allowed to take her husband Todd on a tour of an auto assembly plant there “where the people are hurtin”, forgetting that the reason they’re ‘hurtin’ is that no one’s actually working in any of those auto plants any more.

Unnamed McCain Campaign Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “We were gonna tell Sarah, but we figured if we tried to cram one more byte of new information into her CPU before the debate that her program would crash and default back into Couric 1.0 and our technicians spent far too much time reprogramming her for that to happen.”

But Don’t Worry…It’ll All Be Over Soon.

A comprehensive new global survey published this week in the journal Science, has warned that of the 5,487 known wild mammal species on Earth, 25% are in danger of extinction, some by as early as next Friday. The overview was made public at the World Conservation Congress of the International Union for the Conservation of Nature (we lost the two toed Andean tree jumper just in the time it took me to write that name.) and covers 130 countries; with the help of 1,700 experts it took five years to finish and paints what has been called a “bleak picture”.

Unnamed WWIUCN (you didn’t expect me to write that whole thing out again, did you?) Sanchez (Treetop) Augacasa, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, ” We all know about the polar bears, of course, but most people don’t realize how many other large mammals are in danger as well…Sumatran orangutans, red colobus monkeys, Conservative Republicans…a lot of marginal species whose populations have been steadily shrinking due to habitat loss, declining populations and out of date thinking in general are all at risk. The fear (or hope) is that by the middle of an Obama presidency this last group might disappear completely.”

And Finally,

The Republican National Committee is planning to file a complaint against Democratic Candidate Barak Obama’s campaign, questioning the legitimacy of it’s small dollar donations of $200 or less, which by this point has accounted for more than $220 million of the Illinois Senators nearly $450 million campaign chest.

Unnamed McCain Campaign spokesman Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “Generally, we have no problem with secret donations; after all, they’re the life blood of the Republican Party. What ticks us off is that they’re going to Obama, not us and we’re starting to think that a lot of this money is coming from Republicans as well as intelligent, forward looking voters. In particular, Laura Bush has been writing a bunch of $199.00 checks something called “BO in 08″…she’s told George it’s to help stop underarm odor, but I’m not so sure anymore.”