Unconfirmed Sources News Briefs: Sunday, January 16, 2005

Armstrong Williams and Oprah Winfrey:
Conservative Commentator Armstrong Williams, whose company The Graham Williams Group was paid $240,000.00 to tout the Bush Administrations No Child Left Behind initiative, is still refusing to give the money back, saying instead that he plans to spend it helping needy African Americans. The African Americans in this case apparently are himself and his partner Stedman Graham who was best known before the scandal broke as the boyfriend of talk show host Oprah Winfrey.

George Bush Saves Social Security and Iraq:
President George W. Bush intimated today that God has chosen him to fix the ailing Social Security System. “Saving Social Security is an economic challenge. But it is also a profound moral obligation, one that Jesus would want me to address. In fact, it was Jesus who came to me last night and said, ‘George, fix Social Security’, or maybe it was Karl Rove… I always mix those two up.”

In other news about things that God told Mr. Bush to fix the President, in an interview with The Washington Post said that the publics decision to reelect him was a ratification of his unprovoked attack on Iraq so no one in his Administration, least of all himself, should take any blame for lying about his reasons for a preemptive war that so far has claimed the lives of over one hundred thousand Iraqi’s and over one thousand American troops. “The world is a safer place today because we wupped Saddam’s little brown butt,” said Mr. Bush, “that is of course unless you’re an Iraqi citizen…then you’re screwed.” The President’s Christian Base, who elected him to pack the Supreme Court with anti gay and anti abortion judges responded to the Presidents comments by saying, “What the hell is Iraq?”

Huygens Space Probe Transmits First Photo’s:
The Huygens probe has begun sending pictures of Saturn’s moon Titan back to Earth and the remarkable photo’s show what appear to be lakes and streams full of liquid methane that ooze through the planets smoggy atmosphere, much like the Earth will look like after the EPA relaxes it’s current environmental laws.

Charles Graner Sentenced in Abu Ghraib Torture Case:
Army Specialist Charles Graner was sentenced to ten years in a military prison for his part in the now infamous Abu Ghraib torture case. Graner whose photo appeared around the world as he partook in the degradation of Iraqi prisoners along with fellow soldiers Lynndie England and Sabrina Harmon, tried unsuccessfully to convince the military tribunal that he was acting on orders from higher up the chain of command. The judges however, knowing which side their bread is buttered on, chose to dismiss that claim and characterized Mr. Graner as the ringleader. Reports are that Mr. Graner is looking ahead now to completing his sentence and joining Ms. England and Ms. Harmon in the Adult S&M movie business.

(This News Brief was approved by Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse)