Unconfirmed Sources News Briefs: Thursday, March 10, 2005

George Bush- “I Can’t Let My Faulty Intelligence Get In The Way Of War”:

President George W. Bush said today that he can’t let the lack of intelligence regarding Iran’s nuclear capabilities get in the way of any preemptive attack on that country that he may be planning. Speaking off the record to a group of Kindergarten students visiting the White House, Bush said, “There are some things that you don’t know that you wished you knew and some things that you do know and wished you didn’t and some things that you want to know but can’t find out about and some….hey, are those crullers?” The Kindergarteners have been highly critical of the Administrations Middle East policies, preferring more dialogue to saber rattling as well as the promise of infrastructure and capitol investment rather than heavy handed threats of invasion. An influential Kindergarten think tank, the Jack and Jill Student Editors Association, has issued several position papers denouncing the invasion of Iraq and the President’s Middle East policy which have been dismissed by Mr. Bush as “too esoteric and deep for me to understand.”

White House Issues Warning As Mount Saint Helens Blows Off Steam:

Mount Saint Helen’s has become active again, issuing an ash plume yesterday that rose more than thirty thousand feet. The volcano has been issuing geologic warnings since the Fall of 2004. While scientists do not believe a major eruption is imminent, the Bush Administration has issued a stern warning to the mountain, saying that America will not tolerate seismic activity on it’s soil. Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, ” We’re warning Mt. St. Helens that we in the White House will not sit still for any acts of geological terror. The safety of Americans is paramount to us, even those Americans in the Blue States; to that end we are reviewing all our options in dealing with this threat, including nuking the crap out of the mountain…hell, the whole state.”

“Um, Mr. President, That’s The Other Team.”

President Bush, while watching news broadcasts of hundreds of thousands of chanting Lebanese gathered in the streets of Beirut was heard to say, “Wow, this is the biggest protest yet! Karl! Karl, write this down… ‘um, ‘The ice is melting!’ No, wait…that’s not right…’It’s Springtime!’ no…what am I trying to say here? Suddenly I can’t think clearly. Help me out Karl.”

This was translated by Karl Rove as ” Suddenly and clearly, the thaw has begun.” Unfortunately, the President was unaware that he was watching nearly a quarter million pro-Syrian protesters at a rally, the sheer numbers of whom has dwarfed the all previous weeks daily anti-Assad demonstrations combined. The White House has issued an explanation for Mr. Bush’s statements on a day that anti-American demonstrators were flexing their muscle saying, “All those Arab guys look alike, so who hell can tell what’s going on over there.”

“Blues Skies…Nothing But Blue Skies…:

The Bush Administrations ironically named “Clear Skies” bill which would allow industry longer compliance times for pollution controls to be put in place, create loopholes in toxic air emissions programs in addition to killing the Polar Bears by 2010.

Mr. Bush said in a speech in Ohio, “Congress is debating the Clear Skies Initiative, but fuck them, I’m going to get results and just implement the damn thing whether they want it or not. I mean, I’m the goddamn President, for Christ sakes and if those wusses in Congress don’t toe the line they should remember that there are a lot of open cells in Guantanamo Bay and if….” at this point the President was gagged by his Secret Service security detail and taken backstage for his daily Halderol loading dose which he had forgotten to take that morning.