Unconfirmed Sources News Briefs: Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Finally, Dying Is Worth It:

President George W. Bush has taken the suggestion of Democratic Congressman Joe Lieberman and Republican Senator Jeff Sessions and is asking the Pentagon to increase the payout for getting killed in battle from $12,420.00 to $100,000.00, as well as provide an extra $150,000.00 in life insurance. The increase in the Death Gratuity is meant to make soldiers feel a lot better about dying violently in some hot, dusty, faraway country, or at the very least, forestall criticism by the families of the dead.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, ” Frankly, we’re getting a little worried about all the widows, orphans and families of the blown up. With 1,400 American dead and the numbers rising, that translates exponentially into like, 10,000 pissed of family members, maybe more. We thought it would be a good idea to kick out some cash to shut em up. A lot of the guys were from poor families and a couple hundred thou should make their families Republicans for life.”

Kangaroo Attacks Against Humans Increase in Disputes Over Liberals Foreign and Monetary Policies:

Reports of an increase in kangaroo attacks in Australia have left Canberra officials scrambling to come up with a plan to increase friendship and understanding between humans and marsupials. A Summit meeting between Australian Prime Minister John Howard and Skippy, the star of the sixties television show of the same name is scheduled for early next week. Initial reports suggest that Australia’s kangaroo population are dissatisfied with Mr. Howard’s support of the Iraq invasion by the United States and it’s continued military involvement in that country and speculation that the government will raise interest rates during the coming year in the hopes of staving off inflation, a monetary policy that most marsupials in general find to be economically disastrous to fiscal growth as a significant portion of kangaroos are heavily invested in US T Bills.

Asian Ducks, Chickens Flip Humans the Bird:

Cambodian officials are still trying to determine whether a Cambodian woman who died in Vietnam was a victim of Asian Bird Flu. The 25 year old woman’s 14 year old brother also died recently after experiencing bird-flu like symptoms and others in her family are experiencing high fever and respiratory distress; if all these people were infected by each other it would be definitive proof of human to human transmission of the disease. I’m desperately trying to find something humorous and pithy about global pandemics but it’s kinda hard. I mean, I really like chicken.