Unconfirmed Sources News Briefs: Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Bush to Iran: Live Free or Die
The Bush Administration, anxious to find a way to celebrate the second term for George W. Bush, is pondering an attack on Iran’s nuclear facilities. Recently the Administration has declined to become involved with arms talks between European countries and Iran in favor of popping off a few missiles in case discussions didn’t go the way America would like, arguing that diplomacy would make the United States look weak in a time of Preemption. Iranians, justifiably terrified at the thought of being liberated, have been stepping up their peaceful atomic research in order to protect themselves from a Bush imposed power blackout.

White House: If We Don’t Party, Then the Terrorists Will Have Won
Democrats are complaining about the high cost of the various inauguration parties scheduled to take place in honor of President George W. Bush’s second term. The festivities will cost about forty million dollars, while the security arrangements will cost the cash strapped city of Washington DC, which voted overwhelmingly for John Kerry, an additional seventeen million dollars.

New York Representative Anthony Weiner has pointed out that forty million dollars would pay for 690 armored Humvees plus give a two hundred ninety dollar bonus to every soldier serving in Iraq, but Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “Weiner’s missing the point. The War in Iraq costs one hundred and seventy seven million dollars a day or seven point four million dollars an hour, so the inauguration is only worth about 5.4 hours of war. That’s nothing. Why, some days go by where no US soldiers or Iraqi civilians get killed in 5.4 hours. I think the President should spend as much as he wants on a party, the little dear deserves it. After all it’s the first National Election he’s actually won.”

It’s Not Important…After all, She’s Just a Secretary
National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice will be confirmed as Secretary of State by the Republican controlled Senate. While some Democrats have expressed concern over the fact that Ms. Rice is about as suited for a diplomatic post as John Ashcroft would be as an cast member on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, the White House has pooh-poohed the worries saying that as a Secretary Ms. Rice’s job will limited to answering phones and taking messages, as well as ordering lunch for the men.