Unconfirmed Sources News Briefs: Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Oiling the Wheels of Freedom:

Sudan’s ambassador to the United Nations has alleged that the United States has ‘mischaracterized’ the Sudanese governments killings of tens of thousands of people in that countries Darfur region as genocide. Khidir Haroun Ahmed told a Stanford University panel that the estimated seventy thousand deaths in the ongoing civil war were the result of “a variety of unrelated accidents, including but not limited to 10,600 single car accidents involving fatalities, 15,230 lightning strikes, 20,000 dead as a result of tsunami activity, 15,000 muggings and 20,000 slip and fall accidents.”

On an odd note, both the rebels and the Sudanese government are both denying that genocide is taking place. Sudan, which has an expected oil production capability of 500,000 barrels per day in 2005, has become increasingly concerned that it will be the target of a Liberation by the United States, purely for humanitarian reasons.

Brother, Can You Spare a Pfennig?

Germany’s unemployment level has risen to over five million, or 12.1% the highest level since 1933. German Chancellor Gerhardt Schroeder, speaking at the ruins of the recently burned Reichstag building has suggested that the solutions to Germanys problem may be the pursuit of what he has turned Lebensraum, or living space. Surprisingly, the idea didn’t come from Adolph Hitler and his Nazi regime, but George W. Bush and his pursuit of World Dom… Freedom. Unnamed Berlin Source Wegman (Dicklich) Wasserhuas, speaking on the condition of anonymit