Unconfirmed Sources News Briefs

President George W. Bush in a tradition dating back to the only other job loss President, Herbert Hoover, pardoned to turkeys in honor of Thanksgiving. The two turkey’s, House Speaker Tom DeLay and Vice President Dick (Dick) Cheney were properly grateful as both may face long prison terms if any one of several allegations against them are proved to be true.

Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon has called Egyptian President Honsi Mubarak to apologize for Israel’s accidental killing of three Egyptian soldiers at the Palestinian border, saying the tank that blew them up thought they were Terrorists. By way of explanation Mr. Sharon explained, “Hell, it was an easy mistake. After all, we all look alike to us.”

French President Jacques Chirac met with British Prime Minister Tony Blair for talks on approving Trans Atlantic relations. Mr. Chirac, in a prepared statement said, “The fact Mr. Blair is a war mongering toady of America’s President is no reason that we in the Real Europe, not some stupid island, cannot be friends.” A smiling Mr. Blair responded, “We in the U.K. hope too that we can improve Britain’s relationship with our wine swilling, chicken shit French neighbors, as long as George Bush gives us permission, that is.”

Russian President Vladimir Putin has announced that Russia is developing a new generation of atomic bomb. Mr. Putin, speaking to the Itar/Tass news agency said, “Ever since I first met George W. Bush and he looked into my soul I’ve been kinda creeped out by the guy. Sure, I supported him in the election, can you imagine what that whacko would’ve done if I hadn’t and he won? The fact is though that it is because he won that we think we need a new bomb. After all, if you can’t nuke your friends, who can you nuke?”

Finally, Conservative Christian groups are expressing their displeasure at several of President George W. Bush’s nominations for his new Cabinet, saying they’re not Conservative enough. The White House responded by saying, “Sorry, but we’re just too used to lying to anyone we work with that we had no choice but to betray the people who got us elected. Anyway, Christians are a forgiving people, aren’t they?”