Unconfirmed Sources wins bailout money

NEW YORK — Unconfirmed Sources, which is an online satire news site, has re-organized itself into a bank in order to secure itself a bailout. The CEO of UCS Bank, Kamal El-Din, issued a press release to all potential banking clients:

“After seeing the masterstroke that the insolvent American Express pulled off, in which it became eligible for bailout money by morphing itself into a bank, we here at Unconfirmed Sources took notes.

Unconfirmed Sources won approval on its bank charter application last week, officially becoming UCS Bank. After depositing my own personal funds, becoming the first bank depositor, the bank manager then promptly gave me a loan for 90% of the amount, which I promptly blew and have no way to pay back. This makes UCS Bank technically bankrupt, and now eligible for bailout money.

“From what UCS Bank can tell, the more insolvent and bankrupt a bank is, the more in bailout money it receives. Since UCS Bank is so bankrupt, we are scheduled to receive injections of liquidity from the Federal Reserve by next week.

“If you are thinking about becoming a client of UCS Bank, but are too illiquid to deposit any money, we ask that you pick up a copy of our forthcoming Bailout Money Guide: How to Get Your’s. Once you get your bailout money, be sure to come on down and open up an account with UCS Bank!” -Kamal El-Din, CEO of UCS Bank