Under Pressure, Ann Coulter Issues Apology For The F-Word

Rabidly Conservative columnist Ann Coulter, facing boycotts from several newspapers that carry her syndicated column, as well as the condemnation of prominent Republican Presidential candidates, has issued a public apology for her use of a sexually derogatory comment she made during a speech to the Conservative Political Action Conference (C-PAC) earlier this month. Unfortunately, the apology has caused more problems for the Gay community she slandered than it solved.

In a statement falsely attributed to Coulter on a prestigious website, Ms. Coulter said, “While I normally wouldn’t give a flying fuck what some namby-pamby butt hole surfers have to bitch about, the fact that this whole controversy is costing me some serious cash in lost revenue has made me examine my use of the word ‘faggot’. I realize now that in an election cycle fudge packers have become a highly sought after voting bloc, even among Conservative candidates that would otherwise be advocating the complete and utter destruction of these very same disgusting dick lickers. So, to show my commitment to sexual equality, I’ll publicly fondle the diseased and disgusting wanker of any fag…uh, homosexual…that I can find, as long as they’re not also a Kike, Nigger, Wop, Pollack, Frog, Nip, Chink, Spic, Half Breed or Canuck of course. Say, does Schwarzenegger do boys? I’d diddle his piddle in a minute, that Aryan God.”

While Homosexuals of Jewish, African, Italian, Polish, French, Japanese, Chinese, Spanish, Mixed Race and Canadian heritage breathed a sigh of relief, those not listed in Coulter’s apology and offer are living in constant fear of being accosted by the homophobic Harpy. Gay men from the Fab Five to Neil Patrick Harris, who normally take pride in their sexual orientation, have begun denying their Gayness in the hopes that Ms. Coulter will leave them the hell alone. Single-handedly, Ms. Coulter’s comments may have the unintended effect of driving the entire Gay community underground, setting the movement back fifty years.

On the other hand, Rush Limbaugh has allegedly come out of the closet and invited Ms. Coulter to handle his hard on any day, any time, any where. The portly pundit has long admitted to a having a crush on the bombastic blond bitch and his hope is if he shaves his legs, dons a dress and tasteful heels, he’ll finally get his freakish fellow fondled, without having to pay big bucks for it, that is.