Defense secretary Robert Gates announced last night that the U.S. Military would be using a “sexy new weapon” that should make all previous battlefield operations obsolete.
“The new weapon is based on a new type of beam that will kill people without damaging their bodies.” Gates stated. It simply forces their brains to shut down but keeps the bodies in pristine condition. It’s a very sexy new weapon”.
Gates said that the new weapon would allow bodies to be used for transplants, medical research and other cadaver type experiments.
“We used to blast the bodies all to hell and that made a terrible mess that someone had to clean up”, Gates continued. “This new weapon leaves no mess”.
Gates refused to reveal the technology involved in making the new weapon but he did say that bullets, grenades, rocket launchers and other types of military hardware will now be obsolete.
“The best part is it’s so easy to use”, Gates said as he pulled a ‘ray gun’ from his desk drawer and aimed at a fly on the wall. “You simply pull the trigger and anything in the way of that beam will drop dead!”
Gates pulled the trigger and the fly dutifully and silently fell dead. “You see? No messy fly swatter stuff! Is that sexy or what?”
Gates claimed the new weapon has a focused beam that can kill one person or a hundred at a time.
“I think this kind of killing is much more humane and sensible”, he added with a grin.
Unconfirmed sources claimed Gates had an erection during the demonstration.