Tokyo, Japan (Rotters) – A spokesperson for outgoing Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld today announced that the Pentagon had reached an agreement with Nintendo Inc. to purchase the 3.2 million controversial Wii controllers currently being recalled by the video game manufacturer. Monetary figures in regards to the deal were deemed classified and not released to the press. The secretary of defense spokesperson praised the 11th hour agreement, stating that it came just in time before closer scrutiny of the war budget begins under a Democratic led Congress in January.
The Army apparently became interested very early on as reports of the accidental mayhem attributed to the controllers began surfacing in the press. After considerable development, Pentagon authorities claim that the Wii will be reborn as a deadly multifunction combat device.
“We were impressed with the natural ergonomics and physics involved with the device,” stated an anonymous Pentagon source. “Simplicity is always best. The breakaway wrist strap is pure genius… it harkens back to the effectiveness of the sling. Penetration is vastly enhanced as compared to the soldier just attempting to toss, say, a grenade.”
“Today’s young GIs know their way around a game controller, so this is a natural fit for the modern army,” continued the Pentagon source. “The new Wii will serve as a remote detection and detonation device in our ongoing war against IED’s. In a pinch, with motion detected activation, it can also serve as a penetrating explosive device. We view it as a sort of modern day marriage of the bayonet to the hand grenade. If the need arises, a depleted uranium model with launcher is also on the drawing board.”
Nintendo Co. President Satoru Iwata said that he was pleased that the company would be able to make a small contribution in the global war on terror, and stated that talks were underway to possibly reinstate Japan’s commitment of peacekeeping troops to Iraq, having them serve as technical advisers for the new device. Iwata further assured customers that production would be significantly increased to address Christmas demands for the new gaming machine. He further stressed that a multi-tiered quality control process would assure that there would be no accidental release of the military device with children’s game systems.