Details of reported meetings between the United States military and insurgents in various Iraqi cities are beginning to filter out. Apparently, Army negotiators have been discussing ways to come to terms with various terrorist groups, including al Qaida and Moqtada al Sadr in the hopes of ending the fighting in Iraq. Indications are that thanks to the United States Supreme Court, a permanent cease fire and even more excitingly, a complete peace agreement may be just around the corner.
The recent Supreme Court decision to loosen the use of Eminent Domain by federal and state governments has given negotiators the tools they need to nail down an agreement with the Union of Thugs, Losers, Assassins and Dead Enders (UTLA&DE). Surprisingly, the UTLA&DE’s main concern is not the withdrawal of American and Coalition troops from Iraq and the Middle East. What the terrorists really want is to get the hell out of that hot and dry dustbowl of the world themselves.
UTLA&DE spokesman Abdul bull Durham, in an interview with the Al Justjeerya news service said, “The Americans have never understood the motives of our union. President George W. Bush, that Evil Satan, has always accused us of hating American freedoms or the Israeli’s, or even Christians in general. Allah be praised, nothing could be farther from the truth.”
Wiping the sweat and sand out of his eyes, Mr. bull Durham continued, “In reality, the reason we’re so pissed off all the time is that we live in a hot, sweaty region of the world with very little air conditioning or cold drinks. . that can really make an insurgent cranky. Plus, we wear a lot of clothing. Yeah, yeah, I know, all these layers are supposed to insulate us, but let me tell you, I’d much rather be wearing a pair of micro fiber shorts and a cotton tee shirt. At least that stuff breathes. But what we all really want is to live in a nice, cool place where it’s easy to buy a Hazelnut Coffee Coolatta and a cruller.”
Fortunately, the Supreme Court’s recent decision to loosen the rules regarding the use of Eminent Domain has allowed the United States negotiators to take Billings, Montana and evict all it’s residents in order to turn that city over to the UTLA&DE. According to Mr. bull Durham, his union members are ecstatic. “Montana is everything we’ve dreamed of. It’s relatively cool in the summer and certainly no colder than the mountains of Afghanistan or Pakistan in the winter. It’s a Conservative Religious state with liberal gun laws, so we can all keep our AK 47’s…that would have been a real deal breaker. Plus on a personal level, I’ve always had a weakness for blond infidel chicks in pick up trucks.”
Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “We think this may be the answer to both the war in Iraq and how to put (Florida Governor) Jeb Bush in the White House in 2008. While the Administration sympathizes with the residents of Billings, they must realize that that what’s good for George Bush is good for the country. Besides, we’re also using Eminent Domain to take Minnesota from those Liberal scum and give it to the people of Billings as payback.”