US Troops in Iraq Receive New Orders: "Don't Get Killed!"

(Washington D.C. : The Pentagon) Unconfirmed-sources report a new policy directive for US servicemen in Iraq. The new casualty reduction policy is designed to insure that fewer US soldiers will be killed in Iraq. Speaking off the record, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, admitted the goal was not to reduce the harm to American families, but instead to insure the mounting death toll would not top 3000 during the run up to the November elections.

Much to the dismay of the Bush Administration a report authored by projected that US troop losses would reach 3000 in late October. With support for the war falling below 50% and the Presidents’ approval rating mired below 40% the grim milestone would damage the Republicans chances of maintaining a majority in congress.

This impending political disaster prompted the Bush administrations “Hatchet Man,” Karl Rove, to finally take action on Iraq. Rove, who has no military training or experience drafted the new policy. The details of the casualty reduction policy have not been published but insiders close to Rove have hinted US troops will be instructed to “keep their damn heads down” and that the Pentagon has been transporting Sony Play-stations to Iraq. The Pentagon plans to have US troops indoors during the final weeks of the campaign.

Secretary Rumsfeld admitted he was thrilled to be an appointed official during such a bleak election cycle. Outside the Pentagon, other Bush administration officials and Bush supporters have been making plans of their own. Congressional Republicans once drunk with power and hubris are now running scared from the President and his failed Iraq policy.

Embattled Republican, Rick Santorum of Pennsylvania, stated, “In the wake of this terrible loss of life in Iraq, I’m afraid the American people will hold those responsible, responsible!” This would indeed be a terrible problem for Republicans in the November elections.