In a surprise move, Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse has been subpoenaed by the Grand Jury investigating the case involving the public naming of ex CIA agent Valerie Plame. The outing of the CIA covert operative to Conservative columnist Robert Novak who, apparently not caring that he was aiding in the commitment of a Federal Offence, dutifully reported it to the world, has rocked the Administration of George W. Bush to it’s core. The crime was allegedly comitted by two of the Administrations highest ranking officials, Vice President Dick (Dick) Cheney’s Chief of Staff Lewis (Scooter) Libby and President George W. (Dubya) Bush’s Assistant Chief of Staff Karl (Dickhead) Rove in retaliation when Plame’s husband, former Ambassador Joseph ( no nickname known, so let’s just call him Joey) Wilson’s revealed in a New York Times Op-Ed piece that the Bush Administration knew that the evidence they presented to the world as justification for attacking Iraq was false. (Is it just me, or was that a really long and confusing sentence? Gosh.) Allegations that Waterhouse has also been leaking all over the place to Unconfirmed Sources reporter Chuck Terzella have caused the Special Prosecutor in the case to zero in on him.
Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald has been said to be extremely interested in the Waterhouse testimony, as up to this point in the investigation he had no idea that Waterhouse, who seems to have information that no one else does, even existed, which of course, he does not.
Speaking to this reporter for the first time on record, Mr. Waterhouse was quoted as saying, “This is all your fault! How the hell can they do this to me? I’m a fictional fucking character in your stupid stories for God’s sake! I don’t even have a body! How am I gonna get to the court house? And when I don’t show up, since I can’t show up, what’re they gonna do? Issue a bench warrant? Oh, God, I’m screwed! You gotta fix this!”
In addition to Mr. Waterhouse’s troubles with the Grand Jury, White House officials have also begun investigating him in an effort to determine why they have been issuing regular paychecks to an imaginary character for four and a half years. They also want to know who has been using Mr. Waterhouse’s health coverage to the tune of $235,672.98 for a variety of medical procedures ranging from a nose job to repair a deviated septum, acne treatments, liposuction, acupuncture, therapeutic massage and chiropractic services, laser vision eye care and hair replacement as well as extensive cosmetic dental work. Mr. Waterhouse may face criminal charges in this matter as well. Waterhouse’s creator, Chuck Terzella, who’s been looking pretty good these days since, among other things, he got rid of his glasses and had his teeth done, has refused to comment publicly on the growing scandal.