WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a surprising twist to Vice President Dick Cheney’s legal argument that his office transcends the executive branch because he is also the President of the U.S. Senate, he is also now saying that he is part of the judicial branch of government.
“Since the President of the United States [POTUS] gets to pick the nominees for the United States Supreme Court, that makes us here in the White House de facto members of the judicial branch of government,” said Vice President Cheney.
The Vice President’s spokesman, Ben Lyon, told reporters that this means the Vice President can decide Supreme Court cases, if he so chooses.
“Right now, the Vice President’s office is going through different Supreme Court cases that might have theoretically helped terrorists who wish to cause our country harm, so that he can overturn those decisions with his judicial powers,” explained Ben Lyon. Lyon continued, “The Vice President is dedicated to using all of his powers to protect America from its enemies. It is imperative that nothing be done to stand in his way, or else the terrorists will be empowered to attack our beloved country.”
When reporters asked spokesman Ben Lyon what cases come to mind, he cited Hamdan vs. Rumsfeld as a key decision which threatens the United States with some type of imminent nuclear disaster if not overturned.
The 700 Club host, Pat Robertson, invoked the Bible to explain that only Islamofascists would deny Dick Cheney transcends the executive branch of government.
“Vice President Cheney,” said Pat Robertson, “is like the embodiment of the triune Godhead. While God is one, He is yet three distinct beings. So, too, is Dick Cheney. He is one person, but he has an executie, legislative, and judicial prerogative. Only Islamofascists and Satanists would disagree.”
Vice President Cheney also announced that, not only may he start casting votes on Supreme Court cases, but he may start voting on legislation even if there is not a 50-50 tie in the U.S. Senate. He also said that he may start using his legislative powers to filibuster certain Democratic legislative agendas on the Senate floor.
“It is only the Constitution which would prohibit me from voting on legislation when there is no tie in the U.S. Senate. I could even filibuster a few things, too. However, national security compelled us to abandon the Constitution long ago. It is an anachronism. There is really nothing to prevent me and G.W. from just writing our own appropriations bills, and then signing them into law without them even passing through the Congress. And then what is the judiciary to do when I am the judiciary, too?” said the Vice President.
Former Congressman J.D. Hayworth re-assured FOX News viewers that critics of the Vice President are just reading too much into the Constitution, which clearly shows they have suicidal tendencies, as they are just turning the Constitution into a suicide pact.