Wake up Starbucks! Dunkin' Donuts Launches Coffee War!

(Nation Wide) UCS News: Unconfirmed Sources report that Dunkin’ Donuts has launched a preemptive strike on coffee rival Starbucks. Dunkin’ Donuts Forces launched dozens of coordinated attacks on Starbucks Coffee shops across the nation. During the attacks Dunkin’ Donuts troops destroyed stores and equipment and also captured many tons of coffee before withdrawing to heavily fortified Dunkin’ Donuts Stores and Franchise locations.

Starbucks, having been totally surprised by the swiftness and ferocity of the attacks, took several hours to regroup and mount a counter strike. Faster Starbucks trucks overtook a few of the slower Dunkin’ Donuts tanks returning to their depots and recaptured some of the stolen coffee. Starbucks forces then attacked several lightly defended Dunkin’ Donuts shops but by-passed the larger more heavily defended facilities near truck stops.


Daybreak finds the two companies pulling out of their weaker markets and shifting assets to defend their most profitable areas. New reports confirm that the two companies are now fighting house to house to control specific high value neighborhoods nation wide. Heavily armed conveys of several trucks each are now picking up and delivering coffee and having running battles in the contested areas.



Elsewhere, behind the front lines, coffee brewing services are returning to normal. A spokesmen for Dunkin’ Donuts spoke to reporters and financial analysts this morning in a conference call and explained the situation.



“The management team of Dunkin’ Donuts had decided it was time for a bold move to ensure the survival of our company. Our market has become very competitive recently and we needed to prove to the market that Dunkin’ Donuts is a strong, vibrant and creative company.”

”We decided to follow President Bush’s policy of preemption and developed a plan called “Wake up sucker!”.

Last night Dunkin’ Donuts mounted a pre-emptive attack on our largest rival Starbucks. This morning we now hold 67% of the premium caff