Wall Street Relents to Protesters Demands; Will No Longer Make Profits

Anti-Wall-Street protesters have captured the hearts and minds of most major banks and they have relented to the protesters demands that large banks stop making profits and work solely for the good of humanity from this day forward.

“I don’t know what we were thinking!” said Bank of America CEO Brian Moynihan. “We were only concerned about our shareholders and didn’t give a damn about the 99% of the world that depends on us! From this day forward we will work toward mutual understanding between nations, establishing peace in the world, creating medicines to cure the sick and impoverished and to making all people prosperous, not only those that are already rich! We will use our trillions of dollars in assets to make this world a better place!”

The Wall Street protesters cheered Moynihan’s statement and most other banking institutions said they would follow Moynihan’s lead. J.P. Morgan Chase & Co CEO Jamie Dimon nearly echoed Moynihan’s sentiments. “Those protesters really woke me up”. Dimon stated. “I can’t believe how callous and cruel we have been. I hope that by changing now I can prevent my soul from burning in hell after I die!”

Many major corporations also stated that they agree with the Wall Street protesters and will immediately stop making profits. “From now on it will be company policy to treat any human being regardless of their ability to pay”, said Kaiser Permanente CEO George Halvorson. “It’s not fair that only rich people can afford top quality health care while the poorest people die on the streets!”

The Wall Street protesters say they will scale back their operations, assuming they don’t wake up and discover this was a dream.