(New York City) Wall Street Financial News– Wall Street shuddered today as the massive UCS Corporation became the latest mega firm to fail. The UCS Corporation with over $894 Billion in its asset portfolio stumbled as the value of it’s derivatives evaporated. Unlike it’s Wall Street rival AIG, UCS will not be receiving a government bailout.
UCS is now the biggest corporate failure in American history. With nearly a trillion in assets at the time of its collapse, it easily dwarfed any other doomed firm ever to cross paths with the FDIC. It’s quite a tragedy for its employees, investors, and perhaps the entire satire market.
According to the outgoing UCS Corporation CEO and Editor Kamal El-Din, “As a leader in internet satire we felt The UnconfirmedSources Corporation was just to big to fail.” Satire insiders speculate that UCS took a huge position on McCain/Palin based comedic derivatives.
Kamal El-Din confirmed the speculation. “We went big and we were making it until John McCain jumped off the deep end last week. The campaign suspension gambit, taking credit for the failed bail out and the SNL skits destroyed the made up satire of UCS.” According to UCS staffers “McCain’s bizarre ‘real’ actions over took and obsoleted a huge portion of our satire assets. McCain single handedly caused the firms collapse.”
Kamal El-Din stated, “John McCain is just moving to fast for satire and his actions are really beyond any thing we could makeup. It was a disaster”
Yet amid the chaos and financial wreckage of the UCS collapse, there is a bright lining to its dark cloud: Not a single dime of taxpayer money will be used to save up the doomed firm.