Wall Street Tumbles After Writer Cuts Up Credit Cards.


All right, I’m sorry. I had no idea what would happen, but I was spending way too much money on Chinese manufactured goods, so I cut up my credit cards on Monday night. The next thing I know, all hell breaks loose…first the Chinese Market collapses, then Wall Street drops 400 points. Apparently, all my buying of cheap designer knock off suits, shoes and ties and crappy electronics has been propping up a nation of a billion people. I should’ve never sent that email stating my intentions to the People’s Republic of Commerce. That’s what started the ball rolling.

The pressure of knowing that I’m responsible for the global economy is intense, let me tell you. Worse, I don’t even have my Spring wardrobe completed, but what can I do? My editors here pulled my company clothing allowance after someone (Ed Druckman) pointed out that no one actually ever sees me, so why do I even need to be dressed at all, let alone from the proceeds of his potential raise money? Ed gets a lot more reads than I do and deserves the bump, but I’ve been here a long time and my editor’s a nostalgic guy. So I play on that a lot. It’s amazing what you can accomplish if you have no shame (It’s also amazing how bad a story you can write at 2:00AM, but, well…there you are).

Now that I’ve found out I’m controlling the entire global economy, things are different. I realize now that I have to keep buying crappy shit (a redundancy I know, but we get paid by the word) from China simply to prove that I’m a loyal American Capitalist. But since I have no money, I have to use someone else’s and if not my editor’s, then whose? By the way, don’t even try to suggest that the whole mess had nothing to do with me. That kind of talk may cause me to chop up my Mobil Gas Card and cause a global energy crisis.

But no, clothing allowance or not, I see now I have to buy on. Tomorrow I’m calling Visa, Master Card, American Express, Carte Blanche, Home Depot, Lowe’s and Discover as well as every department store in the Northeast and re-instating all my cards. I believe in a strong economy as much as the next guy, especially when I get a couple of sport coats or a new drill out of the deal.