What To Do When You're Terrorized

In an effort to help American citizens better deal with terror threats the Department of Homeland Security has issued a new set of guidelines and instructions in the event of various natural disasters and/or terror attacks. A partial list of instructions are listed below.

What to do if:

A) If your town or city is attacked by a large force of Jihadists:
First, grin a sardonic grin when you think about all those Liberal scum who opposed the easing of the sale of semi-automatic weapons. Next, grab your Ruger mini 30 or AK 47, stuff your cargo pants pockets with as many 30 round clips as you can carry and head on out to save America. Remember, no matter how much fuel costs it’s a very good idea to keep the old Hummer’s gas tank full at all times just in case you have to pull a strategic withdrawal.

B) If your town, city or state is taken over by Democrats:

While this is marginally less dangerous than a Jihadist attack as most Democrats are unarmed, the long term damage can be far greater. The main problem is that most Democrats speak English as well as true Americans (sometimes better!) and some even practice weird forms of Christianity such as Catholics; therefore it can be difficult to differentiate them from actual patriotic United States citizens. Luckily, there are a series of simple questions that can expose a Democrat or Liberal traitor. These are as follows:

1) Spell transubstation (This is a good one if think you’re dealing with a Catholic)

2) Spell Oprah Winfrey ( This one is obvious)

3) Recite the lyrics to Bruce Springsteen’s ‘Born to Run’ (Another obvious one)

4) Do you think O. J. Simpson was guilty? (This will help you identify Black people)

C) If your town or city is completely destroyed in a thermo-nuclear accident and or attack:

We suggest that you first phone your local police station or fire department. If these have been obliterated then chances are if you’re still alive it’s time to think about evacuating. Don’t bother to try your car…electro-magnetic pulses (E.M.P.’s) will have destroyed the autos electrical system. It’s better to walk or find a horse that hasn’t been vaporized and get out of the immediate blast zone. Then, take a well deserved rest while radiation sickness slowly cooks your internal organs.

D) If your town or city is infected by a fast acting biological agent:

More suggestions will be published as the days go by. Next week we’ll tell you how to deal with a premature pipe bomb explosion in your basement, the proper clean up of a Ricin spill and how to identify Republicans who secretly support abortion or gay marriage.