WHAT'S MAJOR NEWS, PARIS HILTON OR MOSQUE BOMBINGS?


Two huge events occurred this week. A revered Shiite Muslim mosque was bombed in Iraq, and Paris Hilton, you know, did some stuff.

The week’s popular news was split between Paris Hilton and everything else in the world. Literally. Five of the top ten most-read stories followed the minutiae of Hilton’s prison cell back-and-forth as the heiress got out, got home, got chucked back in, got out, got in, got upset, got sorry and got God, in that order.

Unconfirmed Sources interviewed three hundred average Americans and asked them what they considered the most important recent news events.

1, Paris Hilton, (of course)

2, Dale Earnhardt, Jr. signing on to race for Hendrick Motorsports.

3. Jennifer Aniston not adopting, Angelina Jolie, Sheril Crow, did, and half of Hollywood’s movie queens either getting illegitimate ones or running to Africa and coming home with one or two.

4. How to lose 40 pounds in two weeks.

5. Monster trucks coming to the local track.

6. Dancing with the stars

7. Last episode of The Sopranos

8 Paul McCartney

9 News on ‘Entertainment Tonight’.

10 Anything with the words ‘sexy’ or ‘nude.’

85 percent of those interviewed said they had no interest whatsoever in ‘boring news’ about presidential speeches, the Middle East, global warming, Republicans, Democrats, severe weather, terrorists, or anything on the first three pages of their newspaper, “especially,” said one of those interviewed at a Denver motel, “If they use big words like ‘subpoena’ or ‘nuclear’.”