White House Abandons Nuclear 'Bunker Buster' In Favor Of A Bigger And Better Bomb.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

The White House has announced that the Pentagon will no longer pursue the development of a nuclear “Bunker Busting” bomb in favor of a new type of weapon that will be guaranteed to kill every Terrorist or any other enemy of the United States. Military officials are said to be very excited by the new weapons potential, but some are frustrated that the warhead cannot be tested, other than by computer modeling. However, the Bush Administration is assuring them that a real life test should be possible soon.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity gushed, “This is a great bomb…don’t get me wrong, all of our bombs are really great and I don’t want to take anything away from them, but this one is…well, truly “Da Bomb”. When we pop this baby off, there won’t be a terrorist left on the planet. Of course, therein lies it’s only drawback. You see, even though we in the Bush Administration just love the dickens out of it, we do have to admit that it’s not all that smart a bomb. It’s not it’s fault, of course, it’s just the way it is. You take the good with the bad, you know?”

When asked what the hell he was trying to say, Waterhouse, still gushing on the condition of anonymity said, “What I’m trying to say, you stupid Liberal dope, is that if we crank this sucker up and point it at say, Toronto, it will of course certainly destroy all of Toronto, so that’s good, but there will be a little collateral damage as well. In other words, the new bomb would not only destroy Toronto, it’ll most likely also take out Quebec, New York City, LA, Singapore, Bombay, Moscow, Venice and Cape Town. But that’s a small price to pay to defeat global terrorism I think.”

When pressed to answer if he was saying that the new weapon was going to destroy the entire planet, Waterhouse, gushing for the final time in this piece answered, “Why do you think George W. Bush is so excited about going to Mars and back to the moon?”