White House Condemns Misuse of Republican Slush Funds in Phone Jamming Case

The White House today strongly condemned the use of secret Republican slush funds apparently used to pay for phone jamming during the 2002 New Hampshire Senatorial Elections. The jamming consisted of using computer generated calls to phone banks used by Democratic Committees and the non partisan Manchester Firefighters Union to help get out the vote efforts.

James Tobin, President George W. Bush’s New England Campaign Chairman was indicted on four counts of phone harassment conspiracy and aiding and abetting charges. Mr. Tobin, who resigned from Mr. Bush’s staff was quoted as saying as he pulled out the sword from his chest that he had fallen on, “I have great respect for the justice system, especially now that the Republicans have won all three Branches of Government, and plan to fight back to clear my name.”

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, ” While I gotta admit the phone thing was kinda cute and maybe even clinched the Election for (Republican Senator John)Sununu, the White House most certainly does not endorse the use of our secret accounts for something as trivial as phone calling. That’s our bribe money and is supposed to be used to buy judges, slander opponents, fund roadblocks and disenfranchise minority voters. We worked hard to get that cash by allowing the rape of our environment by Big Oil, the decimation of the Bill of Rights by Religious Fundamentalists and kickbacks from no bid Halliburton Contracts. As far as we’re concerned, Tobin can fry.”

Two other high ranking New England Republicans have already pleaded guilty to getting caught in the scam. Chuck McGee, the former Executive Director of the New Hampshire Republican Party and Allen Raymond, a Republican Consultant and GOP Marketplace president, pleaded guilty to Federal Conspiracy charges earlier in the summer of 2004.

Waterhouse, speaking on the condition that this reporter make him look a lot better to any hot women who might read this continued, “You’ve got to understand, America is at War; not against Terrorism or Iraq, but against a far worse enemy…the Democrats. Do you realize that nearly half of all Americans are infected with Liberalism? It’s an insidious disease, one that threatens to undermine the very fabric of our society and we in the White House will do whatever it takes to marginalize that half of Americans who disagree with us in order to make the United States a more benign yet repressive society.”