White House Flatly Denies Barbara Bush Is Gay

(Washington, D.C.) A ring on the third finger of first daughter Barbara Bush’s left hand recently seen at a hospital visit she made with her mother first lady Laura Bush has fueled rumors that the first daughter is gay were flatly denied by the White House today. Spokeswoman for Laura Bush Susan Whitson said: “It’s not a commitment ceremony ring, and Barbara Bush is not gay…not that there’s anything wrong with that.”

The initial statement by Ms. Whitson on Wednesday is what began the rumor. It came after Barbara Bush was seen with a ring on her left ring finger during a visit to the Children’s National Medical Center accompanying her mother, first lady Laura Bush. Immediately, Whitson denied it was an engagement or wedding ring. But an item in Thursday’s Drudge Report claimed that the “24 year old Bush daughter and her life partner, a spoken word Goth performance artist who goes by the name of Qrte, were married in a Vermont commitment ceremony two weeks ago.”

At a press conference this afternoon, Whitson read a statement by Barbara Bush. “I can assure you that I am not now nor have I ever been a lesbian, except for one night in college, but I was really, really drunk on Stoli lime Jell-O shots.” Members of the administration, usually taciturn about everything that has the name Bush attached to it, were quick to speak. “As you know,” said Vice President Dick Cheney, “my daughter is a lesbian, so I can say with authority that Barbara Bush is not a lesbian, and I echo Ms. Whitson’s statement ‘not that there’s anything wrong with that.'” Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld was equally as direct, though in his signature blustery manner. “You look at someone like Janine or Jill Kelly, and you can’t help but say ‘now THAT’S a lesbian!’ But Barbara Bush…would you plunk down thirty dollars a month for Sapphic Erotica if it featured her?”

A final question to Whitson relating to an item in the Drudge Report story of Barbara Bush having a restraining order placed against her by Xena: Warrior Princess TV star Lucy Lawless was met with “no comment.”

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