Unconfirmed sources report that the White House has installed a vending machine to help the President distribute the medals. The number of medals being giving out recently has strained the staff at the White House. Nothing has been getting done as staffers spend all their time filling out paper work and planning award ceremonies and banquets. The New Vendo-Matic machine will free up lots of valuable time.
“Things were getting out of control.” Admitted a White House staffer. “I was supposed used to spend my time looking for terrorist cells in America, but I had been tasked with handing out Medals of Freedom. All day long, day after day, just giving out medals to anyone who made a big mess up and needed to get some political cover. I couldn’t get my real job done. With this new machine I can go back to harassing librarians and beating illegal aliens before they are deported for jaywalking.”
“This is really only the first step in our plan.” Said White House spokesmen Ben Lion. “Right now the machine sits outside the Oval Office so medal winners can just duck in and get a quick photo with the President, but soon we will be installing a Instant Photo Booth and moving both machines down to the staff cafeteria. With both machines going we will be able to give out lots of medals and not waste any more of the Presidents valuable time.”
Vendo-Matic President Glen Mullensinger is has big plans for the Medal of Freedom vending machines. “The White House called and told us about the problem and we were very excited to get involved. The first machine is going into the White House, but soon they will be popping up all across the nation and even a few in Canada. We understand that the Presidential Medal of Freedom in a special award so we want to make sure we get this machine right. We don’t want to cheapen this award by giving the award winner a bad vending experience out of one of our machines.”