In a surprise move, United States President George W. Bush has directed Justice Department head Alberto (Speedy) Gonzales to issue a warrant for the arrest of the entire New York Times newspaper for treason. The charges stem from the series of Times articles relating to the financial phase of Mr. Bush’s Domestic Spying Program, which allows for the United States to monitor all of our financial transactions in order to find out what, if anything, we’re doing wrong in order to keep us free. Unfortunately, due to the massive leak problems within the Bush White House and it’s various government departments, the New York Times learned of its imminent arrest and fled New York City. As Federal agents stood impotently before the massive hole in the ground on West 43rd St once occupied by the “Gray Lady” and cursing, speculation turned to where the newspaper might have run to.
Republicans are alleging that paper somehow obtained a false passport and is currently hiding somewhere on the Pakistan/ Afghanistan border while Democrats money is on Canada. The friendship between the Times and Toronto Star is well known and longstanding. So far the Star is denying aiding and abetting the Times, saying that Canada has no desire to Preemptively Liberated by George Bush. Other possibilities mentioned have included a shipping container in Port Elizabeth, New Jersey and somewhere along the Mexican or Canadian border with the logic being that no one in a position of authority would ever look in those places.
Newly named Unnamed White House Source Jellico A. (Jelly Ash) Nudder, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “We can’t understand how the Times figured out we were coming for it. We’ve checked White House phone records and there were only sixty three phone calls from there to the Times in the space of twenty three minutes, which is about average, so no one can figure it out.”
The Bush White House has had a love/hate relationship with the Times since its inception. While heavily relying on erstwhile Times staffer Judith Miller during it’s buildup to the invasion of Iraq to disseminate the lies and false information so necessary to keep the American public informed, relations between the paper and the paper tiger have cooled in recent years. The Times has been overheard, while it sat drinking heavily in the seedy West Side bars it’s been frequenting lately, bitterly complaining how it has been used by the Administration and openly wishing that Bill Clinton was still around. This betrayal alone was enough to cause the ire of George W. Bush, a man of great loyalty to his friends, at least until he cuts them loose.
At this writing Federal agents are scouring the country in search of the massive building and all it’s staffers, but given it’s record in finding terrorists of every stripe, no one is terribly concerned that the paper will be forced to suspend publication anytime soon.