White House Pardons Turkey, Executes Bird

Washington, DC (Rotters) – President Bush today in a small ceremony in the Rose Garden pardoned the official White House turkey, Karl. Karl and his alternate turkey, Rummy, who was pardoned earlier last week, will be taken to a brand-new chicken hawk refuge that the president has decided to open on land that the Bush family has recently purchased in Paraguay. Chicken hawks are rapidly becoming an endangered species in Washington, and surrounding states in America. Karl and Rummy will be provided for on the refuge and be allowed to reproduce so as to hopefully someday return the species back to viable levels in America. Bush has vowed to dedicate the White House to rescuing and preserving other chicken hawks as the need arises.

To the shock and sorrow of Missourians, the official Thanksgiving birds “flyer” and “fryer” met the same fate as last year’s birds “democracy” and “freedom” and were summarily executed by the president himself, using a Saudi executioner’s sword originally presented to him by Prince Bandar. Bush again reminded Americans that freedom, prosperity, and victory are only possible through a commitment to making the ultimate sacrifice.